Broken before Jesus

          

We have had a devastating loss in our family recently. We were excitedly expecting a grandson he was due June 19th. My son's fiance went in for a regular checkup that turned into a nightmare, her son had no heartbeat. They did an ultrasound to confirm that Nolan James had passed in utero. Hannah had preeclampsia that went undetected and Nolan passed away without any symptoms of issues. He was 2 weeks away from being due to come into this world. She delivered him June 1, 2017, at 9:50 PM, a bitter-sweet moment, we had all anxiously awaited his arrival but to have a baby that we will never hear a cry or open his eyes in your arms is the most heartbreaking moment I have ever had. To see the pain in my son's eyes knowing I could do nothing to fix it. To see the far-off stare of Hannah knowing she was in a place I could not reach her. I laid there shattered and broken before Jesus. I was so angry but at no one, I begged and pleaded with God to change this terrible mistake. How could this happen? Why to us who have already lost so much, why must we lose the one thing we were all hoping for, a new life into our family.  Nolan was beautiful he had chubby cheeks like his daddy did when he was born he was the same weight and length as his daddy was at birth too. He had his daddy's dipple chin and dark brown hair. I never wanted to put him down I wanted God to breathe life into him...even though he had been gone for two days at this point. I am still struggling with Nolan's death, and to find out that this is not that uncommon is even more terrifying. I am shattered and broken I have a gaping wound that seems to be getting salt thrown on it. I know Jesus heals and comforts and I know he was there the whole time He never left our sides, but I still want to know the answer to "why?" I will probably never understand and I want peace with it. I pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding. I want my soul to stop aching, and mostly I want to stop being jealous of Jesus because he can see my grandson and hold him and I can't. We are so appreciative of all the love and outpouring of prayers that have come from those who truly care about us and strangers who understand our pain because we are very aware that "we are not alone". The day I saw my son break before me was almost like getting stabbed right through the heart, I could not protect him from this, I saw his spirit crumble, and I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. So how to get past this? I guess time, love, prayers, and each other. Father's day came and I wished my son a happy Father's day even though his sweet angel is in heaven he is still a dad, but that day was hard for me also, (both my parents are in heaven) I know my dad and mom are watching Nolan until I get there.

My Prayer:
Dear Father in heaven thank you for being a loving and kind God. You have given me so many blessings and gifts and I am so very grateful for your love. I come to you with a heavy heart Because I am human and I don't understand your ways Lord but I trust you to make all things good. Before Nolan was born he brought our family as a whole closer together and my son and I grew closer too, thank you for giving Nolan to us for even just a moment. God, I miss him and want to hold him, my heart aches for my children's empty arms. Jesus, I ask that you come to fill this void in our hearts and souls, help us gain the peace that reaches beyond understanding. Jesus please stay with us and help us see beyond this pain and look for your grace.
In Jesus's name, I pray  Amen